How perfectionism can lead to feeling stuck and anxious

Where perfection can come up and cause anxiety

Lets say there is a presentation you have at work, an event you are going to throw or a job interview coming up and you feel strong worry in anticipation of getting started. You’re likely already overworked, overwhelmed, but there is also often the undercurrent of perfectionism informing the difficulty to start and anxious feelings throughout.

Perfectionism has been portrayed as a this very rigid, objective idea, but it’s often more intangible than what you can see and measure on the outside. Perfectionism is subjective, affecting and showing up differently for people, hence why it is impossible to attain! Everyone has their own idea and messaging around what perfection looks and feel like, leading to never ending anxious thoughts and feeling stuck.

For so many people, it goes undetected or labeled inaccurately. The trap of perfectionism tends to go a little something like this: You have an important presentation coming up, you over-prepare, overthink, over-research and try to anticipate anything that could happen. Now, while this entire process makes sense on paper, there is a lot of anxiety that then comes up due to the future control seeking that you’re going through. When we try to anticipate so much and expect ourselves to have control of the future, we get very anxious.

Lets say that you’re doing a phenomenal job at this presentation but then all of a sudden, your colleague asks a question and your answer isn’t what you would like it to be. Even if this is largely insignificant in the bigger picture, your boss or client has no issue with the work, you may not be able to forgive yourself for not knowing the answer or ruminate on it for hours afterward. This is of course, totally unfair and impossible pressure to put on yourself, but the perfectionist mind doesn’t care about that.

How perfectionism could impact your mental health

A hard reality that we work through in therapy is that since perfection doesn’t exist, you’ll never get there. I know we all know that conceptually, but that can be a loss to mourn, especially if identity has been shaped around this idea. If you continue to believe and work from a place of perfection, for every presentation that goes ‘perfect’ there is always another one looming. And since life happens and things are out of our control, it’s only a matter of time before you’ll get disappointed in yourself. You’ll have yourself jumping though hoops to try to become super human which pulls you further and further away from your core self. The anxiety cycle perpetuates because perfection has told you that you now need to go back and work more, anticipate more and be more prepared for the impossible.

Pursuing perfection is like chasing a moving target and just when you finally grasp onto it for a moment, it’s going to slip away. The pursuit is endless, fruitless and exhausting. This is also where anxiety can be validated. The anxiety that comes from the constant chase, the urgency and listening to these unhelpful thoughts as though they are factual is how the anxiety cycle is fed and often intensified.

The other more emotional and internal way that perfectionism can impact mental health is by taking a hit to our self worth. Often when we pull back the layers of perfection in therapy, we can see where self worth is so closely tied to how perfect we have judged ourselves to be that day, in a situation, etc. The impacts of self worth are usually processed as: the more perfect you are, the more you have proven your worth. There are usually a myriad of reasons for this. Maybe childhood wounds, maybe being rewarded for high achieving throughout the years. Finding out where these cycles have become tightly wound and feel ingrained could be the first step. Exploring what your human self, with perceived flaws and all, actually feels like when it’s ‘imperfect’ is a great way to build self worth without listening to any outside noise. Because who you are outside of your perfection seeking is often the most you and most fulfilling place to explore.

Affecting relationships.

If you’re always showing up perfectly you're not giving people the opportunity to get to know the real you. You do not owe anyone a perfectly polished version of yourself, in fact it likely is keeping you lonely. There is such a solid layer that perfection keeps between you and someone you want to be or feel closer to. You owe it to both yourself and those in your life the chance to see you. Perfection holds you back.

It could be helpful to start to think about these questions when thinking about the high standards you have for how you show up in relationships: What are the messages you have previously received when you were messy in relationships? Were you taught either directly or indirectly that you had better show up with no needs, never ruffling any feathers? Did there feel like there was no space or respect for your thoughts or feelings? If you said yes to any of these it likely would make it hard for you to let your walls down.

Affecting parenting

No child needs a perfect parent. There is enough pressure on parenting without having unrealistic expectations. If things are not done, if the To-do list only ever seems to get longer and your perfection wants to beat you up for that, it doesn’t have to be like that. You're likely already using your limited time and energy worrying around how something may impact your baby, but in that same time you’re not giving yourself the gift of actually being present with your baby.

Questions to reflect on

I think it may be nice to ask yourself some of these questions and see what comes up: What does it feel like to show up less perfect and more like yourself? What are you afraid of happening? What does ‘imperfet’ mean to you? What does making a mistake mean? What are those messages? Some of these questions may feel unknown. That’s where our work can really help you build insight & transform.

If this resonates with you I invite you to reach out to see how therapy could help decrease anxiety and focus on what matters most to you. Reaching out can be a great first step in getting out of this cycle and back to yourself.